dp....
I have the ability to give myself openly and honestly when I'm in love…and I chose to be beyond open with you as I shared my feelings of us possibly being "forever" because I was so surprised that I was feeling those emotions for the very first time, and I think that was a mistake to share those with you because it ended up terrifying you. It likely made you wonder why you weren't feeling that way, and made you feel bad that you weren't to that point… which is why I regret making you feel that way. We should have been able to just enjoy the lighthearted fun and lovely part of first falling in love... but our relationship didn't start with normal circumstances and that's what made my emotions surface so quickly. I think maybe I shared my emotions with you because I wanted to express how glad I was that you stayed. That you stayed to "see where things went" and to prove to you that you made the right decision.
I feel 100% myself around you… I am goofy without feeling insecure, I laugh loudly and without hesitation, I trip constantly (can't help it really) without feeling embarrassed, I share all my feelings with you and I could kiss you at any moment & anywhere. I want that for you. I want you to feel that you have a true partner-in-crime, someone who understands the depth of you, and someone who knows all your strengths/weaknesses and STILL is madly in love with you. You hint at having a world of emotions in you and I've seen moments of it but want all of you because only then do I think you will be able to envision a future. Was I not patient enough; should I have been more gentle in pushing you to open up? Would you want to try to go and talk to someone; do you think that would help you to open up? Are you scared to show me all of you? I want to be here for all of you and only wish I knew the way to allow that to happen naturally without feeling that this breakup was an ultimatum.
Our situation of you staying in the states caused our 5-month relationship to feel more pressure than one should ever should have to endure…yet we survived this long for a reason. However; both of us feel so strongly about raising a family in our native country and I do not have a solution for it right now… I struggle with it daily as well but yet I cannot imagine not being with you? I am so close to my family and it scares me to raise a family without my family. I have never been to Sydney and I know that once you marry/have kids you create your own "family' so I am not going to rule it out as a possibility. The only thing I want is to live a happy healthy life and be a good person, make a difference in the world…and if that brings me to Sydney or if that keeps you in the states…isnt that what is most important? A lasting love- that’s what people search a lifetime for.
I think your family situation growing up did hinder you in some ways… I think it made you doubt the lastingness of a marriage, and it made you much more conservative in sharing your emotions. I want more than anything to be the person you feel comfortable sharing those fears/insecurities/stories/lessons learned. On the positive side, your family situation made you more realistic and more cautious, something I truly respect (as much as I tease you for it). Once you do decide to commit, I am sure it will be something well thought out and likely to last. I know you are scared and have fears of letting me down. I am willing to take that chance, because the winning end result of fighting through the hardships outweighs the chance of never having the opportunity to see where we wind up.
I will admit I need more emotion from you and I cannot settle for less. I need a guy who squeezes me just because he wants to get close to me, and a guy that tells me I'm beautiful on a whim when he looks at me. I need a guy who admits to missing me without being prompted. I need a guy who wants to envision a future with me, and is able to express his hopes for us. I know I have pushed you over and over to show more emotion, which was likely irritating as hell, but its true, I do need more emotions to truly FEEL that you are in it? I am overly sappy... I tear up at the slightest thing (happy & sad), and I'm not sure you love that about me or not but I hope I conveyed how much I love you during the time we spent together. I am frustrated that you made me continually ask you to share more with me... and it makes me feel embarrassed that i had to ask for compliments. Our relationship was me asking for more-and it annoyed the hell out of me, but you knew you could be giving more which is why you gave in every once in a while.
I have to compliment you now just in case I don't get the chance again. I love eating vegemite on toast with you because you make it with love. I love the way you grab my bum… I'm surprisingly being serious :). I love having us lay on the couch together and talk about nothing one moment and the next moment talk about a future little girl being named Penelope Parker. I love when we get silly and wind up in wrestle fights. I love watching the way you interact with others- you have such true charisma. I love the way you are so passionate about your "save-the-earth" crusades, I find it wildly sexy and infuriating at the same time. I love waking up next to you and I love when you are dead asleep and you curl me into your body… who knew you were actually such a snuggler? I love when you lecture me (not always at the beginning, but once I see your point and that you are doing it because you care…then I end up loving you for it). I love kissing you, smelling you, holding your hand and nuzzling. I am just so in love with you I'm finding it hard to come up with anything I don't love about you. Well, the 'stash is a given.
Us breaking up is not about how much I love you… I think that you always knew how much I love you. The reason we broke up is because you aren't sure… because you aren't sure about me, about us, about a possible future, and you aren't sure if you will ever open up to me. I'm scared as well Dael.
I want to be with you but I cannot ask for you back. You need to want us to work. My heart is hurting so bad but Dael, I want you to be happy, I want you to be able to love yourself, because then I know you can love someone else. Dael- your family was not a cookie-cutter family model but you are a loyal, compassionate, intelligent, loving, and sincere individual who has the potential to change the lives of many. You need to believe in yourself, and you need to push yourself to find a way to open up.... and I hope to be part of that answer and that process but you have to make it happen. It is not going to happen overnight... it will take baby steps but jesus Dael, if you want to make it happen, let me know. However; if you already know that I am not the one, then you did the right thing by letting me walk away.
For me, you are beyond worth fighting for. As much as it hurts to think that maybe this is something you don't want to fight for... I can't let you go without you knowing how much I believe in you. and in us. which is why I had to write you. When I suggested we take a break sitting in that cafe, I was expecting you to fight to stay in it. I expected you to chase me down the street and kiss me. I came home from work expecting a sign on my building door that says "I want you back, love dp". I got to work this morning with several messages on my phone, and I hoped it was you. When I came home tonight with none of those scenarios played out... I had to write you.
It might take you a while to come to term with your emotions and although I can't say I completely understand everything (simply because I've only known you for a few months), I know you grew up with parents who didn't stay together. Yet, I grew up with parents who do still love each other and I want to be on that path with you... even if we fall off it a few times, I want to be on it with you at the end. I know even envisioning two years down the road seems murky... hell I don't know what city I'll be in, or what job I'll be doing... or if I'll have a dog named Captain by then... and I am not sure you & me will still be together... but I CAN see it happening, and that doesn't make me afraid. :)
Being from opposite sides of the world is beyond tough, but each relationship is made up of compromises from both parties.... eventually, we will come to a solution to what is holding us back.
I will never regret dating you... you showed me how much I could love someone and I look forward to feeling that pure love from someone else... & I am still hoping that person is you.
xo smiley.
